so it's been a while. how's everyone doing? hope all is well. happy eid for those who are celebrating.

it's so hard being surrounded by straight people or specificaly, straight girls. i know you might think i complain too much, once i'm away from homophobes i complain about the open minded straight people. i'm not complaining about them really, i'm complaining about me being around them because of the irresistible temptation of crushing on a straight girl. and i'm not the type who can have a one night stand or just know someone and become an item within a few days. i'm the type that gets to know the girl first, spend time with her, know her as a friend, then as a lover and then embrace both together. i know, call it old fashioned but it's really just how i am. which is understandable why i always end up crushing on one of my friends, straight or lesbian. It tends to be more difficult when she's straight :P

i know some people who will be reading will be thinking " AHA! i knew i lesbians just want to sleep with every woman alive" it's not really like that, i mean if we weren't living in a world with so many moral rules :P but men also want to sleep with every woman alive. i have a lot of straight girl friends who are awesome and who i'm not crushing on. it's exactly like having a guy having many friends who are girls, where he ends crushing on one of them. straight girls are lesbians' kryptonight, just like lesbians are the mens kryptonight. hey you can't deny it ain't true. it is the forbidden fruit!!! :P

have a great day people!

I'm Not Your Boyfriend Baby! By 3OH!3

I FUCKING LOVE THIS SONG. it's the song of the moment. the song that keeps playing in my head. other than their other song "Don't Trust Me" which i love except the part where they go "Shush girl, shut your lips, do the Hellen Keller, and talk with you hips" because they are telling the girl to shut up and not see. Hellen Keller was the first deafblind author in history. not pretty when u know what they are talking about hey? BUT WE AIN'T TALKING ABOUT THAT SONG! :P for now it's

I'M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND BABY!
I AIN'T YOU CUTE LIL SEX TOY!
I AM NOT YOUR LION OR YOUR TIGER!
WON'T BE YOUR NASTY LIL BOY!
I'M NOT YOU BOYFRIEND BABY
I CAN'T GRANT YOUR EVERY WISH!
I'M NOT YOUR KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR!
SO I JUST LEAVE YOU WITH THIS KISS! *MWAH!*

am feeling so fucking euphoric right now under no influence except my own naturally made endorphines and it feels fucking AWESOME!

here's the song XD XD XD XD

Tranquility

I feel cleansed. no weed for over three weeks. no alcohol for over a month and a half. :) i feel content. weed is beautiful, except that it takes over your life. i get always pull out before i get too attached to something because i have an addictive,obsessive type personality when it comes to things. Alcohol is nice too in the safe environment. if i like something i like it for life. i have saved A LOT of money the past month and a half just by quitting drinking for now....all i can say is i love the taste of achievement. :D

Songs of the moment

In the Shadows - The Rasmus
I Know You Want Me - Pitbull
Radio/Video - System of a Down
You Promised Me - In-Grid
Fall In Love - D'banj
Takin' Back My Love - Enrique Iglesias feat. Ciara
Telepopmusik - Breathe (2003 Version)
Telepopmusik - Breathe
Latika's Theme - Slumdog Millionaire Soundtrack
Breaking the Habit - Linkin Park
Is this Love - Bob Marley

very the random. i know :D

so it's been a while. am feeling a bit better. beginnings of things always leave me feeling reset. like resetting ur laptop, computer, ps2 u name it. it makes me feel reset. and that's good.

completely random: uni life is awesome. i can't believe first year is almost ending!

i think i'm depressed. and i think i'm entering a very long phase of depression, the type that gets dorment and buried. i do not know why. all i know is that i am not happy at this point in my life..... so i might stop blogging for a period of time. if i get the urge to blog i will. but for now, toodles.

Do That Pussy Right....

i just got up... mid wet dream.. to find my self squeezing and caressing one of the legs of my stuffed animal, the way i would on a woman's breasts..
i can't remember what the dream was. or who was in it.
all i know is i woke up doing that.
which just shows that I NEED GODDAMN HOT, STEAMING, BED-CREAKING SEX!

i so believe that your dreams are what you subconsciously want in your life.

song of the moment:

Lick It (Explicit) by God-des and She.

numb. depressed. hopeful. horny. robot. heartless. doubtful. confused. disoriented. undecided. lazy. happy. illusioned. submissive. vulnerable. flamboyant. outrageous. angry. shy. jealous. self-deprecated. lifeless. loveless. dissapointed. burdened. lost. burned. lier. ecstatic. delusional. aimless. sorry. miserable. melancholic. promise-breaker. pothead. alcoholic. smoke breath. random thoughts. how i feel. yesterday. today. and most probably. tomorrow.


current playlist on replay:
All Is Full Of Love -Bjork
Hello - Evanesence
Moan - Trentemoller feat Ane Trolle
Let It Die - Feist
Roads - Portishead
Whether You Fall - Tracy Bonham

Season 6 of the L Word....

..was disappointing in so many ways. Yet still enjoyable. My favorite episode of all time would be the 3rd episode from season 6.

So now the L Word is finally finished. And there will be a spinoff of it called The Farm, where a few characters of the L word would be in to make another different type of series. I don't know if i want to watch it or not, since I've been disappointed by the final season of the L word. Maybe a years worth of waiting might change my mind. Untill then, maybe another lesbian packed tv series might come up (not Gimme Sugar THAT SUCKED LIKE HELL).

Getting Over People

It's a funny feeling to be friends with an ex you never quiet completely got over. It's calming, in the sense that she is still back in your life. Because you both have this very strong connection that worked perfect when in a romantic relationship and works perfect in a friendship as well.

I've figured out how i get over people. At first i thought it was my way of dealing with crushes but it just hit me that it's "my way" of getting over people. It's not going and finding someone new, or having a one night stand, or sending them hate mails, smses etc. (maybe like a one time thing, not everyday), not revenge.

It's actually rubbing it in my face that does it. It worked on the 2 crushes i had before my last relationship, where i kept crushing on her till i told her, and when she told me it won't work (happened to both cases) and asked if she should disappear, i told her no. and talked to her and acted like i had nothing for her and just let time pass till one day it's completely gone and it's back to normal friendship again. It's a lot harder to do if you were actually in a relationship with her, because i would need that time alone first, and then go to being friends, and slowly but surely get over her as a lover and embrace her as a friend. This finally feels right :)

So It's Valentine's Day

and the whole world is painted red. i guess one doesn't feel the atmosphere of valentine's while living in saudi (except of course saudi crazed men and women in the streets and car races and malls and underground parties but u'll need contacts for that) as much as when one gets out of it.

i'll be experiencing valentine's day the same way i've experienced it the past 18 years of my life: alone. and it never really got to me till i realized that it's such a commercialised deal out in the world, which eventually gets to u which leaves u with to things, to deal with it or continue to let it get to you.

i never let it get to me since i never really felt the feeling of being in and out of love with a woman until very recently. so for 17 years i never gave a fuck. now it's getting to me and i'm not going to do my usual routine of staying at home, eating chocolate and lying down in bed with nothing to do for hours to no end whenever something got to me. i'm going clubbing. and the everyone i know who is going, is single. Graveyard baby here i come! ;)

Wanna Send Yourself To Your Own "Graveyard"?

Then drink 3 glasses of graveyard in 6 shots with a straw with 5 to 10 mins break in between. by the third glass you'd be knocked out drunk. Guarenteed from experience. :P check out the recipe


Graveyard Recipe:
Ingredients
1 - 1/2 package Triple SecStout
1 - 1/2 package Bacardi 151 Proof Rum
1 - 1/2 package Vodka
1 - 1/2 package Gin
1 - 1/2 package Tequila
1 - 1/2 package Bourbon Whiskey
1 - 1/2 package Scotch WhiskyBeer

Mixing Instruction

Mix the 5 whites and 2 whiskies in a beer mug in equal amounts. Top up the rest of the mug with half beer and half stout. WARNING: Very strong stuff. Do NOT attempt to drink it if you're not a good drinker. You'll be sending yourself to your own graveyard, thus the name of the drink.

LMAO AT THE WARNING! very VERY true. so if ur in the mood to get knocked out asap go for it.

so it's 2009....

this is the first time i'm thinking of doing new years resolutions AND ACTUALLY STICKING TO THEM.. all thanks to LeBO :***

2009 will be my year of change. to the positive. to go through the downs making sure i go up again. there are a lot of things to do in the world. and i'm reaady for them all. step by step. taking my time. i don't know what to write anymore except that i'm embracing life... happy new years

i've forgotten my blog's 2nd birthday which was on the 19th.

Happy Belated 2nd birthday blog! *wanks to glory* LOL

yeah. and it's bloody cold in Riyadh!! what the hell?

I hate living with

judgemental,

homophobic,

close-minded

ignorants

i call family.

home is where the heart is.

and my heart can never be with people i love most in my life, my family, so i take the next best thing: Best friends. Home = best friends.

I know i would never completely desert my family because as human being you need to stay in touch with them but i know i won't be living ANYWHERE near them. i love them. and they love me because i filter thier eyes with how they want to see me.

it's sad to know they think they know you, inside out...but they only know what you give them. a role in a play. my life is a play. only behind the curtain does the mask, costume, make up all come off, revealing my true self. it's sad. i want them to know. and at the same time i don't, simply because i can't.

these are the moments in life where ur strength is being tested....and i shall be strong and continue to put my make up, wear my mask and dress in the costumes made by the hands of bloody expectations.....